Grief and loss.......
Grief is something that touches us when we experience the loss of something, and the reason for the grief and the loss can be different for everybody.
Elizabeth Kubler Ross talked about the cycle of grief and I used it when I was training in my wellness coaching to apply it to divorce, which is a loss, of a once loved one, of a family unit, of a lifestyle, of a future.
The cycle of grief is Denial, Anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance, and at any point we can be experiencing any of the associated emotions that go with these stages. We can equally go round and round the cycle so many times, when we think we have reached acceptance something can flip us back into denial again. All of these emotions are completely normal, but it is good to acknowledge where we are on this cycle so we can be more present with our emotions, more informed and work through in a self loving and caring way.
Avoidance is something that rear’s it’s ugly head when we want to avoid or numb the pain of the loss and grief that is overwhelming us and this is where addictive behaviours can take hold. We want to feel good again, we don’t want to feel sad and unhappy so we reach for the bottle, or the cigarette, or the person who makes us feel better, or the online shopping - whatever this may look like.
The hardest thing in the world is to simply ‘be with’ our grief in those raw, painful, overwhelming moments when we feel our own suffering and touch our own mortality. Our grief is for the loss of what we no longer have and is our own internal process, no one can tell us how to grieve or how we will ‘get over it’. Such a strange thing to say that you will get over something that seems so insurmountable to you that life will never be the same going forward - is it not ok to be heartbroken? When another’s discomfort touches our own and human nature is to tell us everything will be ok, time will heal, when in reality we will never be or feel the same, but is that not ok? The biggest gift you can give someone in grief is a non-judgemental ear to listen and a hand to hold, to put your own discomfort aside so you can be truly present for that person in their grief, not trying to make it better or change it in any way. And as time passes, acceptance will come - of a new way of life, a new way of being, a new normal without needing to get over something but feeling it in its full glory of part of our history and our story. Like the image for this blog the glitter is always going to be there somewhere but most of us would not want it any other way as this would be to deny our very humanness.
My grief that I am sitting with at the moment is from the loss of my dear mum on May 11th 2020 and my dearest companion Sweep 0n 24th August 2020, both of whom had a long and happy life. I was fortunate to be with both of them when they transitioned this life, the current Covid restrictions make things very difficult and can add to the sense of loss. Although I feel like I am at the acceptance stage of my grief, and have been for most of the time, I feel the overwhelming emptiness of the loss every day - but that’s ok.
Mindfulness helps me to stay present, stay in the feeling and the emotion and to know that each moment can be different bringing some joys and some sorrows and all of these are simply my experience in the moment.
